My sister sent me a book that might help. My oldest sister, not the other one. As I sit here in week-old sobriety, I turn the pages and read the words that got her through. And they help. They really do.
How did I get here, though? How can I be so damn gullible again? It’s the most frustrating part about me. I never seem to learn. Time and time again, I invite chaos into my life in one form or another.
I think some part of me knew better than to invite her in. The evidence was staring me in the face, no matter how hard I tried not to look. Her kids, our parents, our other sister, her ex-husbands, her bosses, her coworkers, her neighbors, her friends that usually last approximately 1 year before the friendship expires…. They all told a story I didn’t want to hear.
She has such a large TikTok following, and she talks about abuse and narcissism from the perspective of a victim, so surely that’s what it must be, right?
I mean, she’s ***exposed*** so many people - even our own Daddy and our own Momma. What’s to stop her from doing it again, now that I’m her most recent enemy?
I know she’s reading this, and I’m trying hard to be gentle. I don’t know why anymore. I don’t expect gentleness in return.
I’ve done the ultimate wrong to her. I told her “No.” I asked her to leave, and told her that the physical effects she is having on my body are more than I can bear. I’ve lost 21 pounds since she moved in two months ago. I still can’t eat.
She won’t come get her stuff. I have to look at it any time I leave my bedroom. I want it gone, but I don’t want to hurt her in how I accomplish that. I think she knows, and likes to see me squirm.
I think she planned this, but miscalculated my limits on how much disrespect I could take before I tore up any agreement we’d had. I’m the last one left for her to feed from, and perhaps that desperation pushed her to act faster than she has before. Her hunger for another soul to consume was just too great for even her to control.
My kid pointed out to me yesterday how much I’m apologizing for things I shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for, and my new therapist has said the same. Two months. That was what it took for her to re-wire me into submission. My love and care for her turned into a weapon formed against me.
No matter how hard I want to believe that she’s capable of love, 40 years of evidence demands that I accept her limitations.
It hurts. It hurts real bad.
But for the first time in years, I know that nobody is going to make me cry on Christmas Day.
I can’t wait to put up the tree, and to enjoy sitting in the quiet.